Neglect

This space has been neglected for a while. The list of excuses would be long if I felt like writing them all down. But it boils down to one word: life. Oh, and maybe a touch of laziness....and a smidgen of self effacing neglect. But I'm back today because I miss writing, I miss my words and how they look and sound as they spill out of my mind through my fingers, keys pressed in quick taps. I miss the sense of creation that it brings. 

I forget sometimes what a beautiful life this is. Sometimes I only hear the words: your words are not worthy. But they are. They are mine. My story. My narrative. It matters. 

This space has never held a clear purpose for me. I've never known what I wanted it to be. I'm not saying I know what I want to be now but I know I want to feel the words spill out again and be present here, in this internet moment. Having a child sheds a whole light on the world, but it also give you tunnel vision. It becomes so easy to only see the child, to only care about their life, to let it swallow you whole. And that's good. It's fine. Children are worthy of that kind of devotion, that all encompassing light. 

I want to explore my soul again, and feed it sentences and splashes of color. I've been having nightmares again from where my brain refuses to turn off, even in sleep. I think it's because all the words are trapped, swirling and angry, inside my head. They have to come out, and maybe then I can rest safely again.

Just a little warning. There is an abundance of lists and cat things in my head. So, there will be lists and cat things for a minute, in some form or fashion. We'll consider it a warm up.

Peace. {drops mic}

2015 Wishes

My life is about taking it easy;living simply and not asking too much from myself; being grateful for the things I have and the things I can do; being thankful for each day, each moment; being gracious to those around me and to myself.

For the New Year, I don't have tons of goals I wish to achieve. 

At the end of each day, I simply want to go to bed knowing that this day was enough. That each small task completed, each smile given, every part of that day, that it all was enough. That the day was perfect--probably flawed, but perfect none the less.

There are some simple things I want to infuse more of into my life.

more smiles.

more kisses.

more hugs.

more lace.

more dancing.

more music.

more concerts. 

more tea time 

curled up on the couch time

 with cozy socks and blankies time

 and time with my babes.

more painted finger nails.

perhaps a bit more organization.

and because I tend to believe less is more....

less worries.

less hurries.

less phone.

less new stuff. 

fewer things done and bought without need.

This year, I want to focus on the things that matter: my family, my friends, and myself. I want to embrace it all, in all of life's messy and wonderful glory. 

Each day, one day at a time, one breath and one moment at a time. 

Welcome to the new year.

Things I Love

It's been a long time since I showed my pretty face around here. Life has taken over and I just haven't had time, or energy, or desire, or whatever, to stop by this little space. 

I don't feel like doing an update today, but I think a little things I love may be in order. So here we go.

Things I've Been Loving in my Extended Absence:

• The amazing love I get from my husband, daughter, friends and family.
• Our trip to San Diego this August. Can I bring that weather HOME???
• Seeing a wonderful couple get married.
• Naked Juice Smoothies when I'm too lazy to make a green smoothie for real.Which, lately, is quite often.
• Meditation and Yoga sessions."I am beautiful. I am loved. I can do amazing things." Positive self-talk goes a long way.
• Cake. The food and the band, actually. 
• Crunching Ice.
• Watching my little girl start preschool. What!!
• My electric stapler at work. It's the little things!
• Getting an extra week of vacation this year for my ten year work-i-versary. 
• Shel Silverstein poems. 
• Cooler weather. Sort of. At least knowing it is coming since football season is in gear!
• The amazing things IV steroids can do for my body. Even though I partly hate them for their side-effects. Bastards. 
• Black Eyeliner. 
• Platinum Blonde Hair!!
• All the books I have been reading, from Neil Gaiman to the Divergent Series to random other things. And also, the fact that my mini-me loves to be read to as much as I love to read! 

I think that sums it up for today. Lots of love over here. Maybe I'll be back soon. :)

Spaces of Light and Dark

Lately, life has been full of contrasting shadows; full of lightness and darkness, happiness and sorrow, love and hate, yearning and fullness. I think it is safe to say that life has been full of life and us living it. 

There are things that scare me right out of my mind.

Things that are uncertain and things that are known; things are are known to be uncertain.

It's a toss up. 

I've been long absent from this space. Hiding, alone with my thoughts and my fears. Holding tight to myself and clinging...to sanity and to hope and to love...clinging to medical advances that will take away this nasty disease with which I have been diagnosed...the reason for my absence and my hermitage.

Last October, a mere four months ago, I was diagnosed with MS. Multiple Sclerosis. The first time I heard the words in conjunction with myself, I laughed in the face of fear. And then, slowly, the fear became a reality. Doctors visits and tests had become my normal. And then answers came. Not answers I wanted, but answers filled with truth. 

This is why I'm tired.

This is why my legs and feet go numb and my legs feel like wood.

This is why my torso and chest get so tight and at times so painful that it hurts to draw breath.  

This is why I have constant UTIs. 

This is why I feel awful all the time.

I've started a therapy called Copaxone. A daily injection: a daily reminder. I am sick. My body is fighting itself. 

image creds

But, let me tell you it isn't all bad. I've learned from this, about myself and about others; about kindness and compassion; about connections; about love. I've learned you never know what that person who is seemingly being an ass is going through. You never know how people struggle. People struggle and often times you cannot look at them and tell. Their parent or sibling may be sick or recently dead, they may be sick, they may be hurting. We're all hurting. But we're all still living too. We're all a part of this big, scary world. And we're all in this together. We are all a part of this planet, this living and breathing organism of our world. 

So be kind. It costs nothing. It is freedom from your own consciousness too. You never have to wish you weren't ugly to someone because you never were. And when you look in the mirror, you'll like what you see. It does something to your face, this kindness. It makes you prettier. It really does. 

We have a choice when confronted with this scary life. We can live it and realize our impact on others and push forward into the unknown. We can embrace our fears and step out into the great unknown with a smile on our faces, love in our hears and a deeper understanding of humanity. Or we can become bitter and hide from reality. I choose life. I choose to live in the face of my fears. 

I have a new motto, a mantra if you will. I say this to myself every morning as I drag myself around and out of bed and into the day.

Get up. Dress up. Show up.

And I'm doing it. And I think that I'm happier than I have ever been. 

Worst Cat Parent EVER

Lately, I've been having horrendous problems with my little orange Stu-guy. He is unhappy, unsatisfied and forever searching for .... something. I thought, for months, he was in search of more food. And I wondered how could a cat who gets fed ten cans of fancy feast, with three different kinds of crunchies always available, be THIS hungry all the time? 

Yesterday, I took the day off. I overslept and I knew I would get to work and want a do-over. You can't have a do-over so I just stayed home. So I made it part of my day's mission to figure out what to do to make Stuart happy.

And you know what?

It was easy. He wanted attention. I brushed him and played with him and he was happy. He went and ate his favorite crunchies under the side board after our play session and then went to sleep somewhere. He was laying in wait in the evening, hunkered down under the coffee table, so we played some more. And again, he was happy.

And my daughter thought the whole playing with him thing was pretty rad too. She giggled and squealed and "look at him playing!" She dangled toys intrusively close to him and he loved that too. So what in the world is wrong with me? Why in the eff did I not think to PLAY with my cat? GAH, I feel AWFUL. 

I stole this cat to heal my broken heart, and for the past six months two years I have been ignoring his little needs. I know I had a baby and that was a bit of a culture shock to me, but what about him? I mean really. I felt about two inches high yesterday. I've been throwing food at him and wondering why that doesn't satisfy him. Well, duh, he doesn't want food in the first place. 

But at least I know now and can correct my erroneous behavior. I have a date with my orange guy today! 

hmmm.....

I haven't had a lot to say lately (read: anything) but that isn't because life isn't good. I think it's because life is SO good. I love these long hot summer days, the sound of thunder and the rain as it falls from the sky, afternoons spent plucking dandelions from the 

Happiness cannot be measured in words or pictures and sometimes I think, instead, it is measured in the opposite way, the lack of words or pictures. The moments, just soaked up as they come, organically and freely. Freedom comes in those moments that are free of all the accouterments we attempt to label them with: good, bad, okay, fine, awful, etc. Just living and breathing, failing to label, no, refusing to label, that's where the good stuff lies. 

Days melt into weeks and weeks into months....the decades disappear like sinking ships but we perservere, god gives us strength but we still fear what we don't know. The mind is poison. (credit: The Killers, Day and Age, Dustland Fairytale.)

I'm in the middle of a renovation of sorts, reevaluating things in life, re purposing  reusing, purging. I'm looking to find peace within my restless soul and seeking happiness within the life I already have. My life is perfect and sometimes I take that for granted  as I seek endlessly for something other than what I have. The grass is always greener kinda think. And yet, it's not. My grass is as green as grass gets. 

Where is this going? I'm not exactly sure. I'm apologizing for the self-imposed hiatus/absence around here and I'm not sure when it will end. It's sort of a hermitage, isolating myself from everything and....just....breathing. Redirecting and deciding where I want all of this to go. 

Written by Heather Sullivan. All images and writings copy right 2013.

Happy Memorial Day!

My sweet friend Kellie wrote this article; it seems quite fitting that it was published on this Memorial Day weekend. Her thoughts have me thinking about how little we have historically appreciated our military personnel and all the hard tasks they face, both in the field and at home. So, as we enjoy our long weekend here state side, we need to take a few moments and reflect on the people who have given us this day free of work, this wonderful country and our freedom. True, our government is far from perfect, but it's better than it could be and the men and women who made that possible have little to do with our government and possibly get screwed out of much more than the civilian population.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!