Neglect

This space has been neglected for a while. The list of excuses would be long if I felt like writing them all down. But it boils down to one word: life. Oh, and maybe a touch of laziness....and a smidgen of self effacing neglect. But I'm back today because I miss writing, I miss my words and how they look and sound as they spill out of my mind through my fingers, keys pressed in quick taps. I miss the sense of creation that it brings. 

I forget sometimes what a beautiful life this is. Sometimes I only hear the words: your words are not worthy. But they are. They are mine. My story. My narrative. It matters. 

This space has never held a clear purpose for me. I've never known what I wanted it to be. I'm not saying I know what I want to be now but I know I want to feel the words spill out again and be present here, in this internet moment. Having a child sheds a whole light on the world, but it also give you tunnel vision. It becomes so easy to only see the child, to only care about their life, to let it swallow you whole. And that's good. It's fine. Children are worthy of that kind of devotion, that all encompassing light. 

I want to explore my soul again, and feed it sentences and splashes of color. I've been having nightmares again from where my brain refuses to turn off, even in sleep. I think it's because all the words are trapped, swirling and angry, inside my head. They have to come out, and maybe then I can rest safely again.

Just a little warning. There is an abundance of lists and cat things in my head. So, there will be lists and cat things for a minute, in some form or fashion. We'll consider it a warm up.

Peace. {drops mic}

Lately//Random Thinks

I haven't been too much into posting lately. I have things to say, but it seems I'm out of words. I've just been taking it all in, focusing on my soul and my toddler and being present. And then, it's mother's day week and that never helps. It always puts me in a funk, partly because my husband's a florist (if you want to understand my sentiments on big "flower" holidays, read here), and then I get a little down because the holiday is supposed to be about mothers, and the only ones we focus on are our mothers. I get left by the wayside. Not that I want a ton of gifts or credit, or because I don't think our moms deserve it. They do. They do SO much for us, all year round. But I don't even get to do anything remotely revolving around me. They get showered with gifts, and time with their families. I get stuck in a car all day, going from one place to the next, with no one caring that only a meager two years ago I pushed a baby from my vagina, too. I don't get input into where we eat, how we celebrate, nothing. Instead, I have to give up my valuable Sunday time with my own little family and end up back at work Monday feeling like I got NO weekend whatsoever. 

I'm not really trying to whine and moan and complain (okay, maybe I am...) but it really sucks to just feel like a day that is supposed to be a whole lot about you ends up being nothing at all about you. On all holidays, I feel like I get left out, pushed aside, or at least my needs and desires, but for some reason, this one stings the most. It hasn't been celebrated properly for me yet, and there doesn't look to be a turnaround in my future. I'm just not interested in celebrating the holiday at all. I can't even go get retail therapy, because the only things I have money to shop for are gifts for the worthy mothers. Yeah, this holiday makes me feel that bad. 

But really, life hasn't been bad, not at all lately. We've had a lot of good times and done multiple fun things. I feel like I'm making real progress with my spiritual journey these days, most of the time, I mean, some stuff still takes my down to my knees but you know that's life, and just a further chance to practice and become better. You can't make progress if you never have a challenge. 

If the rain will hold out over a weekend (it's not looking promising for this weekend, again) I'm going to do some massive work in our garden. This is my favorite kind of physical labor. Pulling weeds and planting things in the Earth, watching it grow and transform gives me immense satisfaction and connection to my world. It's very grounding to spend hours pulling weeds, only to have them pop back up against your will. Watching the will of something outside yourself is a humbling and magical experience. Gardening this year should be extra special, because my little girl is really old enough now to be interested in helping in limited ways. This weekend, despite the rain, we planted seeds in little peat pots. She adored it. Little hands holding seeds, poking them eagerly into the soil, and demanding that they grow. It's such a lesson in patience for her; having to plant them and wait for the reward, after days of diligent watering. 

There's also been a lot of ice cream eating on my part, of late. Like on the daily. And I'm still managing to lose the weight. I'm seven pounds away from weighing what I weighed the day I went to confirm my pregnancy. I'm still about 20 pounds from where I need to get, and I'd like to lose more than that. But I'm talking baby steps, and slowly getting where I need to be. It does make me feel more like myself, a little bit each day. 

I've also started peeling the wallpaper in our bathroom. Bathroom re-do time. I feel a little nuerotic for starting it, but, i know I will love the results. 

So, I'm absent here. I have some posts in my head that should be good, and maybe soon I'll get them out. Sorry for the absence and the rambling words. 

Weird Confession: I HATE//Loathe//Despise Chewing Gum

One of the weirder quirks I have is  my hatred of chewing gum. Seriously, I refuse to chew it at all, ever.  I cannot remember the last time I had a piece. It's been years. 

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Here are the reasons:

It gives me nightmares. Not kidding. IF I chew a piece, I will certainly wake up in a cold sweat, from a dream where I have been digging a piece of the sticky nasty from my mouth. In my recurring (when I chew gum) nightmare, it gets stuck in my teeth. I put my whole hands in my mouth and pull it. And it keeps coming and coming and coming. The shit just will not go away. My mouth aches when I wake up. It's not a pleasant dream by any means, and I am willing to do anything to avoid it. For me, simply not chewing the stuff is the key. So I don't. 

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It's disgusting. Have you ever thought about it? You're basically chewing your own spit over and over, like a cow chewing cud. I'm not a cow. And then, when you're done you have two options: spit it out or swallow it. This reminds me of something else you have two options with, hmmm. At least someone was getting pleasure from that....I digress. So you swallow it and then what? I know it doesn't really sit in your gut for seven years like my mom used to tell me but seriously, that shit ain't made to dissolve. Or you spit it out. It gets stuck, either to your fingers or to the side of the trash can. One of the last gums I chewed was stuck to the side of my car for months. And who hasn't been the victim of stepping in some one else's piece of gum and having to scrap that from the soles of your favorite shoes? Some people like to stick it to their glass in a restaurant and save it for later. Dear god, get another piece! And don't even start me on the gum poppers. Or accidentally touching the underside of a desk or movie seat with the stuff stuck to it.  Or the lines in amusement parks where people think it's a good plan to start a collection of random people's spit. OHMYGOD I'm gagging.  My point is the shit is gross.

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It's a choking hazard. I mean, not for me. Well, I guess it could be....but I don't want my daughter anywhere near the nasty, sticky, nightmare inducing crap. I see it getting stuck in her hair at the very least.  I've heard of kids dying  from choking on the stuff. And while there are a host of other horrors out there to choke on, I just don't see the point in introducing this filthy one to my daughter. 

I understand people chew it to freshen their breath. I understand they chew it to quit smoking. And I understand that most people like the stuff. Have it. You won't catch me with a piece. Ever. I'll have a mint, thankyouverymuch!

Anyone else hate the stuff? 

And I Crashed My '79 VW Big Ass

Yesterday morning my husband told me we were going to go eat breakfast at Cracker Barrel and I love breakfast out. Love it. So since I hadn't bathed the day before (that happens, sorry, gross) I decided I best get my ass clean so I could eat. I guess I got a little over exuberant about the eating and I hit the slick tile floor like it was butter. And I busted my ass all over the floor like a can of biscuits. It prompted a loud scream for my husband, I'm pretty sure as I went down. So he came and I was crying and he kept asking me what hurt and I just kept telling him "I fell, I slipped and fell." No shit, Heather, you slipped but are you okay? Yeah. As okay as an almost 34 year old can be who just slid and busted her ass. If our shower had been larger, I'm pretty sure I would have smacked my head and been knocked unconscious. Which is why I screamed, as I fell, for my husband. 

Today, I'm sore, like I had a car wreck. Maybe not that sore, but pretty damned sore. I have a huge bruise on my rib cage, where I hit a conditioner container. I'm glad I hit that instead of the ledge of our shower full force. I may have broken a rib.My hip and leg and arm are sore where I hit, but really it could have been worse. 

We joked yesterday that we would tell people I wrecked my '79 VW Big Ass. That we're sure glad that back in '79 they made 'em out of steel. Even though my chassey is rusted and bent, it's still pretty solid. If I had been a newer model...well, I would say I would have been totaled, but in terms of humanity I would have probably bounced. It seems the floor gets harder every time I fall these days. And somehow I fall a lot. (I fell putting my pants back on earlier today.)(This VW Big Ass is really really really really beaten up.)

I wanted to show off my bruise, but in the picture it doesn't look like anything. And it also showed off my underboob. Which I should have posted for all the page views it would have gotten me....but typing underboob may have the same effect. 

And another thing, we didn't even get to eat Cracker Barrel. They were too crowded, too crazy full. So we ate Red Lobster, which was delish but we were too early for them to serve me a GD alcoholic beverage. And after finding my old ass sprawled naked in the floor, not getting my choice of eating establishments and a general loss of pride, I needed that damned Berry Mango Daiquiri. Like NEEDED IT. 

It's Friday, y'all! Random Thoughts

As always, I'm super stoked that Friday has rolled around yet again. I have zero big plans for the weekend, although I'm sure we'll come up with something fun to do. We've had a big week around the house, getting a few things done. Such as, our closet fell five months ago and we just got it back up. If you've ever had a closet fall, you know how bad it sucks, and five months of that? Pfft. It was my husband's side, but still. I'm sure mine is next....He says he plans to take action before it falls on its own, so we'll see. Getting it fixed did result in me having more space and finding several items I had been missing. My favorite out and about Coach bag, which is perfect for a couple of diapers, changing pad, keys and a phone. Another shirt that I just adore and I was afraid I had sent it to Goodwill. But nope. And it's nice to see my husband able to find his clothes again, which has resulted in me seeing him a few "new" old items. If you can't tell, I'm super excited about this!

Another thing, I won a giveaway last year to Gallery Direct for $200 smackers. I couldn't decide what to order, but since it was coming up on a year I decided it was time to shit or get of the pot, as my dad would say. I selected, unbeknownst to my husband, a large canvas of Botticelli's Birth of Venus. I've always wanted a naked lady in the bathroom, and who could be better than Venus? Plus, it will go really well with my bathroom, where I plan to hang her over the tub. (sorry for the grainy image but I'm too lazy to go anywhere else and find a better one)

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I'm trying to think what else I have to do....oh yes. The sheets. My favorite sheets have a dreadful rip in them so I must find a replacement. I do have another set just like them in white, my favorites are pink, so I at least have a back up already. Not that I don't have plenty of sheets. We have so many, but I am a sheet snob. I like them soft and lite and just so. We have many failures. I use those on the guest bed. Sorry guests. Not that they aren't nice, because they are. They just don't meet my exacting standards. 

I've had a lot on my heart lately, especially with my brother being in rehab still and a dear friend experiencing her second miscarriage. It's hard for me to see people suffer, good and bad alike. There is little I can do for either of their souls but offer words of encouragement and love, and lift them up in prayers. I'm trying hard to become more spiritual, to see God more in my life. Having never been overly spiritual, this is new territory for me. Today, I dropped a dollar under my car in the parking lot. It's raining, so the asphalt was all wet with water and oil and gunk. I chose not to crawl under my car for the single dollar. Not that I'm rich, that I don't need it, but my pants were worth more than that and I was pretty sure I would ruin them on that ground. I'm a big fan of my Lucky jeans. So, I left it. Perhaps it stayed put right there, or perhaps it blew to somewhere else in the parking lot. But that dollar will be found by someone. It may not be much, but it might make someone's day. I tried to envision the person who will find it; an old lady, a small child, a mother. It won't mean a lot, it's just a dollar, but maybe they can get themselves a candy bar or something on me. It made me smile. 

An Ode to Yoga Pants

I'm currently having a love affair with yoga pants. I think a lot of new mothers do, too. My kid my be two, but I still adore these stretchy, comfy pants with all my heart. I think even once I lose the baby weight, I will still feel this way. Enjoy my poetry, it's a rare occasion that I write it!

My Version of Road Rage

Some days when I'm driving it seems like everyone else on the road has forgotten how to drive or that there are RULES when you're driving.What's a yield sign? How do you drive around a roundabout? These are all common questions, common occurrences and I mostly take them in stride with only slight annoyance. 

Yesterday, on the way home, I got stuck behind two idiots fighting. One was tailgating the other one, and the tailgating victim was speeding along at 15 miles per hour. I kept my distance but I seriously was ready to kill one of them. Get off the other person's ass and just let them have some space and they'll speed up. Duh, this is not that complicated. But as you edge closer and closer, they are obviously going to go slower and slower. Both morons finally turned and I hit my gas. 

The next offender really pissed me off though. I was on my way to dinner with my parents, and I came to a busy intersection where I had to make a left. This light notoriously takes a long time and most of the time other drivers will run it and block the intersection. As a result, there are almost always cops sitting there to get offenders. I will slide through a yellow light faster than anything, but once a light turns red, I tend to follow the law and stop. This light turned red just as it was my turn, so I hit the brakes. The car behind me thought it would be appropriate to honk his horn and give me the double finger. I just wasn't in the mood, so when the light turned, I hit my gas and since my next turn was almost immediately to the right, when I went to turn I slowed and allowed the asshole behind me to get next to me. I honked my horn, so they would look and I gave them the "kingpin" move. I find this more vulgar and offensive than mere bird shooting. Also, since it isn't expected, I find it funnier. When I was younger I would stick out my tongue but this just takes it to a whole new level. Eat me, you asshole, it screams. The man and woman (no children were present in the smoke filled vehicle, btw) seemed appropriately shocked.  My fire was quenched and although he probably will do the same thing to someone tomorrow, at least I felt better.

Just in case you're not sure what a "kingpin" is: put your index and bird fingers in a V, one on each side of your mouth, and wag your tongue. Similar to the move made by a man as he performs fellatio.  Here's a picture, too, just in case you're that innocent. 

This picture is on my facebook page with the caption:  ummm don't you WISH. From Hallowen 2008. I was virtually a baby!!
& now I must go find that ring I'm wearing in this picture. Love that thing...where could it be? Probably where it belongs. I hope.

Stuff I Love

I've been struggling with format for this blog, well, since I started it. I like to blog about my kid but  I took that off the table. So, who am I? I'm not a fashion blogger but I love fashion. Well, as long as it's comfy. I use a lot of products, clothes and house hold and everything else. I'm not a television or movie critic, either, but I do love to sit in front of the television. I'm not a food critic either, but I love to eat. You get the idea, here, right?  I think it's time to make it clear WHO I am here, besides a mother. For 31 years I was not a mother, and while it now defines me, that is not the entirety of my existence. It's part of why I continued to work, so I could keep a portion of myself, separate from my beautiful child.  I will ALWAYS be a mother now, but she will not always need me the way she does right now. I have to maintain myself in order to be okay when that day comes. 

I'm going to start a new feature (wait, isn't everything new here?) about some of the stuff I love. I think not only will it help me develop my voice for this blog, but it will give my handful of readers some insight into who I am. Isn't that what this is about? I think so. And the stuff we wear and use and love is really one of the first tips into who we are. (And let me be completely honest here, I'm sort of totally stealing the idea from La Maman Heureuse.)

So here's my first "Stuff I Love" post. I love the cozy, deconstructed look of this sweat shirt. And the message of the company, the embodiment of love, living the life you were meant to live. It's really an important message to be true to yourself. About Wear Love

Wear Love

wear love

I had a hard time deciding between the first shirt and the second. I ended up with the second because it's lighter weight, which in Georgia needs to be considered. It has been an extremely mild winter. They say there may be freezing ice today but I'm pretty sure they are lying so they can close schools. Enough about the snow conspiracy.  I just cannot get enough of cozy sweats right now. I think that comes from the cold and the sick child I've had lately and my desire for it to be always the weekend. Don't get me wrong I love to look nice, but I can be cozy while doing it, right? Anyways, if you haven't checked this company out yet, you should. I cannot wait to receive my new hoodie!

So What Wednesday

The past few weeks have been stressful so it seemed like a perfect Wednesday to link up with Life After I Dew  for So What Wednesday.

So.

So what if:

I sat in one room and cried while my daughter went on with her 2 hour tantrum in another room. 

I had to sleep with an orange because of the toddler.

The only person I want to buy presents for is this raging tantrum throwing toddler.

Seriously, no one else may get anything. i'm okay with that. 

This cold will not go away.

It's the coldest day of the year so far and I forgot my coat.

People suck.

No matter how many cups of coffee I have today, I cannot wake up.

I constantly forget to mail stuff I needed to mail like last week.

The last time I wore make up was, um...I can't remember.

One day last week, I cried over EVERYTHING. 

The next day, I decided it was all a joke.

My toddler has to sleep with her ipad, a football and an ink pen, in our bed. 

People get things they don't deserve. I have all I need. 

Sometimes, I fail to remember that last part: I have all I need. 

My husband thinks our elf on the shelf is lame; he still moves Snowflake every night before I get a chance to do it. 

Our Christmas wreaths aren't up yet, and I still haven't decorated our mantle. There is no bow on our giant tree, either. Oh well. Less to take down, right?

Our Christmas decorations aren't up, but my husband has decorated like everyone else's homes in town (he's a florist, did you know florists decorated houses for Christmas?)

My husband and I barely get to see each other because work is so busy for him and all of his employees were out sick last week. Like, all of them. 

So, so what?? 

Glorious Tail

On the way in to work this morning, I nearly ran over a squirrel. And that got me thinking about the difference a glorious tail can make. 

Seriously, a squirrel is just a glorified rat. And I say glorified because it has that wonderful plume attached to it's butt instead of a naked wormy tail.  Otherwise, I am quite certain I wouldn't even feel bad about running over one. I mean, I don't think I would cry if I hit a rat, since I certainly don't cry when I see one in a trap. I feel a little sad for it for having been born a rat, but other than that, whatever. The world is just fine without the nasty  varmint.   So it comes down to the glorious plume of a tail.

Our cat, Buster, has a glorious tail. My daughter likes to pull the other cats' tails but not nearly as much as she wants to pull his. I totally understand her desire, as  I want to pull it too. Thick fur is just good for loving,  I guess, even if it's on a rodent. 

you can't see his tail, but i'm sure you can imagine how glorious it is.

Sometimes, I wonder where the hell I come up with the thoughts. The absurdity of it all, squirrels and rats and cats. I attribute it to the fact that I'm thrilled for it to finally be Friday and that has made me delirious. 

Feeling Better

It's amazing what a little bit of love can do for the soul.

a little love, a little beauty

After my shitty day yesterday, a friend emailed me to check on me. Which made today better. The friend who texted me that she missed us brought dinner and we broke out our scrabble board for the first time in ages. Little things have a surprising effect.  Little things can make or break a day, truly.

There's something truly beautiful about spending the day feeling sad, only to end it and begin the next day feeling so much love around you. This road of life we're driving on can be so bumpy at times, it's easy to forget about the things that make it worth riding those bumps out. I'm thankful to have friends and loved ones to remind me of those things.  

I purchased our Elf on the Shelf today as well, and he is sitting in the window at home eagerly awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Since we plan on seeing Santa tonight, I think the timing is perfect. Now, I'm just hoping that Santa goes better than last year. She hated him last year and only through trickery were we able to get a decent picture. Fingers crossed.

Cheers to a day that's been better than the one before, and a tomorrow that is brighter than today. 

Emotional Day

Today has been one of those teary eyed, thank god I didn't wear make up kind of days. 

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Everything has brought tears to my eyes.

A text from a friend asking if we could do dinner because she missed us.

Random readings throughout the day. Like this and this.

Stupid things like my dress from Anthropologie being cancelled. 

Another text from another friend just checking on my sick ass.

Who knows what will be next. Just be prepared for the water works because, well, they are coming and I can't tell you when. Or even why. I think I'm just over-tired and over-drugged and therefore over-emotional. 

And I have to drive to my mom's to get my daughter. It's a twenty minute drive and I can just go ahead and tell you I plan on crying the whole way, for no reason. And it's probably gonna get ugly. 

Sick

'Tis the season, it seems everyone is sick. I'm sick. All of my husband's employees are sick. All of my co-workers are sick, wait, that's where I got sick. It's the gift that keeps on giving. All of this sickness makes for one tired human being over here. Since my husband has to do the work of three other people, I get zero assistance at home. I'm coming to work just to catch a break. I can't chase the toddler for another minute and if we're left together I'm not capable of prying her from the light fixtures anyways. 

Some how our Christmas tree managed to get put up and mostly decorated over the weekend. My husband and I aren't sure how we even managed to go get it, much less get anywhere with it. Nonetheless, it is sitting pretty in our foyer, which gives me hope that things will get better.

I'm emotionally and physically drained. Trying to get everyone together for the holidays turned into a disaster at some point this week to top everything off. I'm so over it, I've considered giving up on Christmas entirely. Since all of the tot's gifts are purchased, I may just throw them in the middle of the den on Christmas Eve, when she goes to sleep at midnight, and call it a day. Anyone else who gets a present can consider themselves lucky. Speaking of presents, I finally purchased something for myself only to discover two weeks later that the item won't be coming. Does it seriously take two weeks to discover that you can't count? 

It just has not been a good week. I keep trying to see the glass as half full and then someone knocks it over. I need a do-over. On the bright side, I'm so high on all this medication for my bronchial infection I don't give a shit. Rock on, I guess.

SUPPORT SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY

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I'm aware that no one really reads this blog yet, but if you happen to stumble my way, don't forget about Small Business Saturday. 

As my husband owns a small business, this is a very important day. 

Go support your local businesses, more money from your purchases will go into the community you live in that way. 

For ten reasons to support small businesses go to Liz and Gianna's Adventures in Bookland.