A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. ~Oscar Wilde

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Lately//Random Thinks

I haven't been too much into posting lately. I have things to say, but it seems I'm out of words. I've just been taking it all in, focusing on my soul and my toddler and being present. And then, it's mother's day week and that never helps. It always puts me in a funk, partly because my husband's a florist (if you want to understand my sentiments on big "flower" holidays, read here), and then I get a little down because the holiday is supposed to be about mothers, and the only ones we focus on are our mothers. I get left by the wayside. Not that I want a ton of gifts or credit, or because I don't think our moms deserve it. They do. They do SO much for us, all year round. But I don't even get to do anything remotely revolving around me. They get showered with gifts, and time with their families. I get stuck in a car all day, going from one place to the next, with no one caring that only a meager two years ago I pushed a baby from my vagina, too. I don't get input into where we eat, how we celebrate, nothing. Instead, I have to give up my valuable Sunday time with my own little family and end up back at work Monday feeling like I got NO weekend whatsoever. 

I'm not really trying to whine and moan and complain (okay, maybe I am...) but it really sucks to just feel like a day that is supposed to be a whole lot about you ends up being nothing at all about you. On all holidays, I feel like I get left out, pushed aside, or at least my needs and desires, but for some reason, this one stings the most. It hasn't been celebrated properly for me yet, and there doesn't look to be a turnaround in my future. I'm just not interested in celebrating the holiday at all. I can't even go get retail therapy, because the only things I have money to shop for are gifts for the worthy mothers. Yeah, this holiday makes me feel that bad. 

But really, life hasn't been bad, not at all lately. We've had a lot of good times and done multiple fun things. I feel like I'm making real progress with my spiritual journey these days, most of the time, I mean, some stuff still takes my down to my knees but you know that's life, and just a further chance to practice and become better. You can't make progress if you never have a challenge. 

If the rain will hold out over a weekend (it's not looking promising for this weekend, again) I'm going to do some massive work in our garden. This is my favorite kind of physical labor. Pulling weeds and planting things in the Earth, watching it grow and transform gives me immense satisfaction and connection to my world. It's very grounding to spend hours pulling weeds, only to have them pop back up against your will. Watching the will of something outside yourself is a humbling and magical experience. Gardening this year should be extra special, because my little girl is really old enough now to be interested in helping in limited ways. This weekend, despite the rain, we planted seeds in little peat pots. She adored it. Little hands holding seeds, poking them eagerly into the soil, and demanding that they grow. It's such a lesson in patience for her; having to plant them and wait for the reward, after days of diligent watering. 

There's also been a lot of ice cream eating on my part, of late. Like on the daily. And I'm still managing to lose the weight. I'm seven pounds away from weighing what I weighed the day I went to confirm my pregnancy. I'm still about 20 pounds from where I need to get, and I'd like to lose more than that. But I'm talking baby steps, and slowly getting where I need to be. It does make me feel more like myself, a little bit each day. 

I've also started peeling the wallpaper in our bathroom. Bathroom re-do time. I feel a little nuerotic for starting it, but, i know I will love the results. 

So, I'm absent here. I have some posts in my head that should be good, and maybe soon I'll get them out. Sorry for the absence and the rambling words. 

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