A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. ~Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Worst Cat Parent EVER

Lately, I've been having horrendous problems with my little orange Stu-guy. He is unhappy, unsatisfied and forever searching for .... something. I thought, for months, he was in search of more food. And I wondered how could a cat who gets fed ten cans of fancy feast, with three different kinds of crunchies always available, be THIS hungry all the time? 

Yesterday, I took the day off. I overslept and I knew I would get to work and want a do-over. You can't have a do-over so I just stayed home. So I made it part of my day's mission to figure out what to do to make Stuart happy.

And you know what?

It was easy. He wanted attention. I brushed him and played with him and he was happy. He went and ate his favorite crunchies under the side board after our play session and then went to sleep somewhere. He was laying in wait in the evening, hunkered down under the coffee table, so we played some more. And again, he was happy.

And my daughter thought the whole playing with him thing was pretty rad too. She giggled and squealed and "look at him playing!" She dangled toys intrusively close to him and he loved that too. So what in the world is wrong with me? Why in the eff did I not think to PLAY with my cat? GAH, I feel AWFUL. 

I stole this cat to heal my broken heart, and for the past six months two years I have been ignoring his little needs. I know I had a baby and that was a bit of a culture shock to me, but what about him? I mean really. I felt about two inches high yesterday. I've been throwing food at him and wondering why that doesn't satisfy him. Well, duh, he doesn't want food in the first place. 

But at least I know now and can correct my erroneous behavior. I have a date with my orange guy today! 

Friday, June 7, 2013


I haven't had a lot to say lately (read: anything) but that isn't because life isn't good. I think it's because life is SO good. I love these long hot summer days, the sound of thunder and the rain as it falls from the sky, afternoons spent plucking dandelions from the 

Happiness cannot be measured in words or pictures and sometimes I think, instead, it is measured in the opposite way, the lack of words or pictures. The moments, just soaked up as they come, organically and freely. Freedom comes in those moments that are free of all the accouterments we attempt to label them with: good, bad, okay, fine, awful, etc. Just living and breathing, failing to label, no, refusing to label, that's where the good stuff lies. 

Days melt into weeks and weeks into months....the decades disappear like sinking ships but we perservere, god gives us strength but we still fear what we don't know. The mind is poison. (credit: The Killers, Day and Age, Dustland Fairytale.)

I'm in the middle of a renovation of sorts, reevaluating things in life, re purposing  reusing, purging. I'm looking to find peace within my restless soul and seeking happiness within the life I already have. My life is perfect and sometimes I take that for granted  as I seek endlessly for something other than what I have. The grass is always greener kinda think. And yet, it's not. My grass is as green as grass gets. 

Where is this going? I'm not exactly sure. I'm apologizing for the self-imposed hiatus/absence around here and I'm not sure when it will end. It's sort of a hermitage, isolating myself from everything and....just....breathing. Redirecting and deciding where I want all of this to go. 

Written by Heather Sullivan. All images and writings copy right 2013.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Happy Memorial Day!

Big Time in the Jungle by Old Crow Medicine Show on Grooveshark

My sweet friend Kellie wrote this article; it seems quite fitting that it was published on this Memorial Day weekend. Her thoughts have me thinking about how little we have historically appreciated our military personnel and all the hard tasks they face, both in the field and at home. So, as we enjoy our long weekend here state side, we need to take a few moments and reflect on the people who have given us this day free of work, this wonderful country and our freedom. True, our government is far from perfect, but it's better than it could be and the men and women who made that possible have little to do with our government and possibly get screwed out of much more than the civilian population.


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Lately//Random Thinks

I haven't been too much into posting lately. I have things to say, but it seems I'm out of words. I've just been taking it all in, focusing on my soul and my toddler and being present. And then, it's mother's day week and that never helps. It always puts me in a funk, partly because my husband's a florist (if you want to understand my sentiments on big "flower" holidays, read here), and then I get a little down because the holiday is supposed to be about mothers, and the only ones we focus on are our mothers. I get left by the wayside. Not that I want a ton of gifts or credit, or because I don't think our moms deserve it. They do. They do SO much for us, all year round. But I don't even get to do anything remotely revolving around me. They get showered with gifts, and time with their families. I get stuck in a car all day, going from one place to the next, with no one caring that only a meager two years ago I pushed a baby from my vagina, too. I don't get input into where we eat, how we celebrate, nothing. Instead, I have to give up my valuable Sunday time with my own little family and end up back at work Monday feeling like I got NO weekend whatsoever. 

I'm not really trying to whine and moan and complain (okay, maybe I am...) but it really sucks to just feel like a day that is supposed to be a whole lot about you ends up being nothing at all about you. On all holidays, I feel like I get left out, pushed aside, or at least my needs and desires, but for some reason, this one stings the most. It hasn't been celebrated properly for me yet, and there doesn't look to be a turnaround in my future. I'm just not interested in celebrating the holiday at all. I can't even go get retail therapy, because the only things I have money to shop for are gifts for the worthy mothers. Yeah, this holiday makes me feel that bad. 

But really, life hasn't been bad, not at all lately. We've had a lot of good times and done multiple fun things. I feel like I'm making real progress with my spiritual journey these days, most of the time, I mean, some stuff still takes my down to my knees but you know that's life, and just a further chance to practice and become better. You can't make progress if you never have a challenge. 

If the rain will hold out over a weekend (it's not looking promising for this weekend, again) I'm going to do some massive work in our garden. This is my favorite kind of physical labor. Pulling weeds and planting things in the Earth, watching it grow and transform gives me immense satisfaction and connection to my world. It's very grounding to spend hours pulling weeds, only to have them pop back up against your will. Watching the will of something outside yourself is a humbling and magical experience. Gardening this year should be extra special, because my little girl is really old enough now to be interested in helping in limited ways. This weekend, despite the rain, we planted seeds in little peat pots. She adored it. Little hands holding seeds, poking them eagerly into the soil, and demanding that they grow. It's such a lesson in patience for her; having to plant them and wait for the reward, after days of diligent watering. 

There's also been a lot of ice cream eating on my part, of late. Like on the daily. And I'm still managing to lose the weight. I'm seven pounds away from weighing what I weighed the day I went to confirm my pregnancy. I'm still about 20 pounds from where I need to get, and I'd like to lose more than that. But I'm talking baby steps, and slowly getting where I need to be. It does make me feel more like myself, a little bit each day. 

I've also started peeling the wallpaper in our bathroom. Bathroom re-do time. I feel a little nuerotic for starting it, but, i know I will love the results. 

So, I'm absent here. I have some posts in my head that should be good, and maybe soon I'll get them out. Sorry for the absence and the rambling words. 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Weird Confession: I HATE//Loathe//Despise Chewing Gum

One of the weirder quirks I have is  my hatred of chewing gum. Seriously, I refuse to chew it at all, ever.  I cannot remember the last time I had a piece. It's been years. 


Here are the reasons:

It gives me nightmares. Not kidding. IF I chew a piece, I will certainly wake up in a cold sweat, from a dream where I have been digging a piece of the sticky nasty from my mouth. In my recurring (when I chew gum) nightmare, it gets stuck in my teeth. I put my whole hands in my mouth and pull it. And it keeps coming and coming and coming. The shit just will not go away. My mouth aches when I wake up. It's not a pleasant dream by any means, and I am willing to do anything to avoid it. For me, simply not chewing the stuff is the key. So I don't. 

It's disgusting. Have you ever thought about it? You're basically chewing your own spit over and over, like a cow chewing cud. I'm not a cow. And then, when you're done you have two options: spit it out or swallow it. This reminds me of something else you have two options with, hmmm. At least someone was getting pleasure from that....I digress. So you swallow it and then what? I know it doesn't really sit in your gut for seven years like my mom used to tell me but seriously, that shit ain't made to dissolve. Or you spit it out. It gets stuck, either to your fingers or to the side of the trash can. One of the last gums I chewed was stuck to the side of my car for months. And who hasn't been the victim of stepping in some one else's piece of gum and having to scrap that from the soles of your favorite shoes? Some people like to stick it to their glass in a restaurant and save it for later. Dear god, get another piece! And don't even start me on the gum poppers. Or accidentally touching the underside of a desk or movie seat with the stuff stuck to it.  Or the lines in amusement parks where people think it's a good plan to start a collection of random people's spit. OHMYGOD I'm gagging.  My point is the shit is gross.
It's a choking hazard. I mean, not for me. Well, I guess it could be....but I don't want my daughter anywhere near the nasty, sticky, nightmare inducing crap. I see it getting stuck in her hair at the very least.  I've heard of kids dying  from choking on the stuff. And while there are a host of other horrors out there to choke on, I just don't see the point in introducing this filthy one to my daughter. 

I understand people chew it to freshen their breath. I understand they chew it to quit smoking. And I understand that most people like the stuff. Have it. You won't catch me with a piece. Ever. I'll have a mint, thankyouverymuch!

Anyone else hate the stuff? 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Simple Ways to Green Your Life

The state of the world around me causes me quite a deal of concern. The reckless abandon with which we toss aside anything and everything makes me fear that there won't be anything left by the time my daughter & her generation inherit this world from us. We consume en masse and discard just as freely. Water bottles and soda cans because we must have a brand new container for each serving of beverage. That makes no sense logically, but still we must have it. I mean, who needs a new container for every beverage when you can wash the container, realistically. Not that I would wash a soda can, but you wash and reuse a tea pitcher, you know. 

My point is that we wast a LOT. A lot, a lot. 

And we're busy, so we do this for convenience. And it's understandable; it's easier, it's faster, it's cleaner in the short term. And it's not just beverages, but everything. Toy packages and shipping packages (have you ever ordered from office depot, like some pens, and received them in a box large enough to hold five boxes of files? I have. I mean what the what?) and all the random stuff we toss out daily at our house. We buy a box of crackers or cookies that have ten individual little packets in them. We aren't eating everything, but we like it packaged. And we're not even going to talk about the waste that goes into making that food we eat and the packaging and on and on. We usually have at least a bag of garbage a day. You get the idea...we waste a lot. We as in my family; we as in society as a whole. 

I can't do everything I would like to to green up my life. I don't have time for cloth diapers. I don't always recycle everything I could. Newspapers and card board often get neglected. I'm pretty good about soda cans and plastic bottles, but really I hate the process. Cleaning, saving, taking. We recycle all of the laundry detergent containers and kitty litter containers. 

Here's my quick and easy list:

Recycle what you can. Set up a system and make it easy on yourself. Forgive yourself if you don't recycle every single recyclable. Some is better than none, and maybe you can move towards it at some point down the road. Start small.

Make a compost heap. Instead of trashing all those left over peels and veggie scraps, put them out in a pile. They'll make great garden soil some day. 

Don't eat a lot of fast food. This is good for your waist, too. But you'll have less disposable meal containers to throw away. It's sort of a win-win.

Use rags for cleaning instead of paper towels//and cloth napkins for eating. I find this to actually be easier than using paper towels. I just have dark colored rags that I use only for cleaning, and the lighter ones are wash clothes. They last longer, and clean more. And cloth napkins are just so pretty and fun. And easy...i can wash them with anything. 

Get a water filter and use a water bottle. Or get a water bottle with a filter like the Bobble. You get a lot more use out of a bottle designed to last, obviously, than one designed to be thrown out. I find that bottled water doesn't really taste any better or different than filtered water. 

Get reusable grocery bags. Are you seeing a theme here? {Reuse} I keep one in my purse. I use it at the fruit stand and the grocery store. And I keep a larger one in my car for the bigger trips. If you do get plastic bags, save them and use them as liners for the bathroom trash cans. 

Make your clothes last. There seems to be a trend of buying clothes meant to last for only one season. Trendy items that aren't meant to last more than five or six wash cycles. Avoid those clothes. It's better on your budget to make them last anyways. Repair small holes and don't throw out pants because they popped a button. If you're tired of it, donate it. But don't buy them for single use...buy them to last. I find this really helps my budget and my sanity. It's so much easier to not have to shop for new clothes on the weekly. It may be more expensive up front but it pays off in the end. Also, dry on low heat and air dry when possible. It saves energy and helps the clothes wear longer.

These are just a few simple things that you can do, easily, without a lot of hassle. You don't have to make huge changes in your life style and you can really see your wallet get thicker too. Less material waste equates to less monetary waste as well!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Things I Heart

Spring/Flowers/the world coming to life around me
blueberry green tea with local honey
my gold sequined sanuks
letting go of the trash, both in my home and in my life
helping this guy get a forever home
(a quick story: on friday morning my bff said someone had contacted her about finding a Boston Terrier a home. We were complaining about people being asses and thinking animals are disposable. I thought of someone who may want him, and he was indeed wanted. The guy was picked up by the guy and now has a real forever home where he will be cherished for his life's duration. and my heart swells with happiness that i could help...)
rare moments of quiet when this guy squishes on me
cloth napkins
bubble blowing dance parties/there is something so peaceful about blowing a bubble and watching it form and then become and then float and then become less and less until it vanishes
just being

Monday, April 15, 2013

Finding My Happy Place

Lately, I've been on a mission. I'm looking for happiness, or rather my happy place. The place inside me where I can go, a calm place that I can retreat to and recenter myself when I'm all out of whack. Right now, I'm reading Buddhism for Mothers. It's really a great read, a great way to seek peace INSIDE yourself, and for once, it's a book geared towards taking care of the mother, and not the child. Or rather, not just the child. It's about finding calmness, exploring your motives and letting go, especially of the guilt. Taking care of your own needs, as a mother, allows you to better care for your family. More cheerfully, more wholly.  I've been seeking a way to control my anger and resentment in certain situations, and although this is something that does not happen over night, it is something attainable, reachable, foreseeable. I want to be more present, more in tune with my own needs, my husband's needs, and my child's needs. I don't want to harbor resentment for the menial chores. I don't want to focus on the guilt of rash actions, but learn to forgive and move forward. This book is helping me be a better mother, a better person, already.

Moving forward, being present, being intentional. Not dwelling on the past. Peaceful. Calm. Slow to anger. I don't want my emotions to control me, and I don't want to live forever in guilt for actions that I can no longer control. You cannot go backwards, only forwards. But also, you can live for the moments to come, you must live for the moments that ARE, the present moments. It's about being accountable in this moment and letting going of it when it is past. It's about losing the attachments to the moments, but gaining control over yourself in those moments. I'm learning. I'm growing. And I like this place that I'm in. I feel more aware when I'm with my daughter, more willing to put down the ipad or the phone and look away from the television and to her face. I feel stronger. And I also feel weaker. I know I have a long way to go to reaching a functioning level of this calmness I so seek. 

It's a road I've been on for a while. I have been practicing yoga since before I was pregnant. It's been reflective and informative, but also sporadic. And this book is teaching me that that's okay. It's about seeking and practicing when you can. The world is your medicine, said the Buddha  Yes, indeed. Take it and learn. Grow. 

Each distraction, each annoyance, I'm learning to see it as an opportunity to grow. Instead of succumbing to the annoyance, to the petty emotions, I'm acknowledging it and choosing to not let it control me. I find moments throughout my day to release tension and to reflect. To empty my mind and be present. 

Right now, I'm still searching for ways to get into the moments when I'm the most annoyed because honestly, letting go is NOT easy. It's hard. And I'm far from perfect and I'm very easily annoyed. But I hope that I'm able to quit beating myself up in the moments that I allow it to take over, to move forward, to learn from each experience. That's all any of us can hope for, right?

This is something I've sought for a very long time. I'm not all there yet, and I'm not referring to myself as a Buddhist, but...I'm enjoying this philosophy and this outlook on life and self. 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

My Favorite Beauty Products Lately

Since I had the kiddo, I've been looking for things to simplify my routine and still stay well maintained. I like my skin hydrated, my hair shiny, my lips not chapped. I don't want a lot. And, I've been making a push to use more natural products since my pregnancy. I realized at some point that you put over 200 chemicals on your body every day, and I thought it was time to cut back. Sometimes, you look up from life and realize you're just going with the flow. You're grabbing products from the shelves at Target and getting by. And when you look up, you realize you don't have to go with the flow, that Mother Nature has been providing wonderful products for you to use all this time, if you just know where to look. 

My number one product these days (totally not natural, by the way. If you know of something better, that is, let me know.) is Carmex. I use it religiously to keep my lips soft and smooth. I was addicted to Eos lip balms, because they're pretty and taste good, but this windy weather calls for bigger guns. And I seem to be having a weird reaction to the Eos lately. Like it makes my lips worse. No bueno. 

I discovered Argan Oil. (I read about it while pregnant. I've used Morrocan hair oil which is made from it. And then I was on The Glow and rediscovered it here.)Oh good gracious, you can use this for EVERY thing. I put it in my hair, on my stretch marks (which are FADING!) and on my nails. It is mixed with my daily moisturizer/sunscreen, too. Super skin! It's also replaced the "It's a Ten" product I was using as a leave in conditioner and detangler. I think it works better than the product it's replacing. My bleached hair has never been this shiny. And it gets the rats out of my daughter's hair and I know I'm not putting chemicals on her. Plus, her hair is super shiny too. Since she isn't patient enough for me to condition her hair, this is great.

Speaking of oils, I use Tea Tree Oil for my dry scalp. My scalp is ruined when I start bleaching my hair, and I get this massive patch of dermatitis. The tea tree oil gets sprinkled in my normal shampoo and voila, my dry itchy scalp is much improved. I also mix a few drops with my face scrub once or twice a week and my skin stays super clear.

I use a sugar scrub that I make myself, also. It is wonderful for the dermatitis on my arms and it keeps my legs from getting ashy. It's made with sugar, extra virgin olive oil, cinnamon, tea tree oil and argan oil. (these oils are so multi-functional. it really makes things simple when you can use the same two things for so many beauty needs.)

The more natural products I use, the better I feel. And the less products I use in general simplifies my routine and helps me get out the door faster. I seldom wear make-up these days, so I like my skin to be clear and clean. I keep my eyebrows tweezed and my hair cut and bleached, and that's about it for maintenance. I just don't have time for a complex routine. I take long enough to shower as it is. It needs to go fast, be simple, and be effective. I've found these products (can you call oils products?? and home made sugar scrub? idk). 

Note: Tea Tree Oil is poisonous to cats, so it is very important to make sure to keep it closed, and stored safely away from your precious felines!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Dieting at Easter

I've spent all of this year dieting, so far. With minor bouts of cake induced happiness from my birthday. And some a whole bag of Valentine's Day chocolate truffles. Now, it's Easter. The last candy-riddled holiday for a little while. You can't get fat from fire works, can you? So...here are the only things going through my mind. I really cannot think of anything further than depriving myself of my my toddler's ass loads of chocolate. 


You've desperately avoided buying Easter candy because you know your child will not eat it.

Your husband, he cannot be swayed from these chocolate, gummy, sugar-coated purchases.

You're dieting. And you're doing well. You will not be swayed to consume these goods. 

Here are the thoughts that swirl around:

I'm hungry.

Ohmahgawd I wanna eat that chocolate.

Just one piece. But that will mean ten and you know it, Heather, you know it.

Don't touch the chocolate.

No, not even a gummy bear. Go eat a vitamin, bitch. There's your gummy.

Have another cup of green tea. 

Oh, that's satisfying. 


Go ride the bike. Do yoga. Meditate about the not-eating. Don't eat that candy.

Oh, can I lick the candy off my daughter's face? What harm would that do? It's not much....

Have some more tea.

Play the Sims.

I wish I could just have random sex right here on the couch; that would fix my craving. Wait, cannot do that in front of the two year old. Go eat a chocolate egg. No, don't. Just deprive yourself. You can do it. You can't have anything. 

God, I'm hungry. For chocolate. 

Please don't make me unwrap that chocolate for you. Take it to your daddy.... Shit. I know you're two but you're basically dangling crack in front of an addict, little lady.

Internal sigh.

Welcome to my life. This is just Monday after, too. How will I be by Friday? Maybe like a wide eyed chocolate craving zombie. Yeah. I'm gonna lose my mind. 

Friday, March 29, 2013


Learning to eat healthy again after the baby has proven to be a hard lesson, and not one that I enjoy all the time. Sometimes, I just want a huge piece of bread, covered in butter, and some deep fried anything

With that being said, learning to eat healthy again reaps huge rewards, physically and emotionally. I feel more stable, with fewer sugar spikes and drops during the day. I attribute this far less sugar on the daily as well as lemon in my water all day long. Did you know lemons help regulate blood glucose levels? I should have, but I didn't.

I've lost 14 pounds this year, during operation get healthy or die fat. I can wear my wedding rings again, even though I don't wear them daily because I've gotten fond of my plain band and the simplicity of it. It needs cleaning mas bad. 

Dinners and meals in general require more planning and thought. But somehow, I enjoy what I'm eating more that way. Last night, dinner was broccoli and rice and lima beans. We were supposed to have cornbread too but that turned out so smelly no one wanted to eat it, or even eat in the same house with it. Not sure what happened there. 

The point is, I'm full, I'm satisfied, I'm not lethargic. I can chase my child around with energy to spare most days. I get up from my desk more frequently to stretch my legs. I feel friendlier. I feel better about myself. My face was the first place to lose the weight, and my skin is clearer than ever.My belly is flatter and flatter by the day. My legs are showing amazing muscle tone. I still cannot fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but my post pregnancy clothes don't fit anymore either. The pants are baggy and the shirts, well, I'm still wearing most of them but I don't look like a bloated baby beluga anymore.

My days don't revolve around eating. When I'm bored, I don't look for something to shove in my mouth. I respond to actual hunger and even find that I can not be ravenous at those points. I eat yogurt every day. Coffee. I cannot quit coffee. I have a lot of that. Apples and berries. Lemons and limes in my water. Lunch is lighter. Sometimes a salad or a Subway sandwich with spinach and other times soup. Roasted almonds are my favorite snack. Or dark chocolate pomegranates for a special treat. For dinner, we cook. Lima beans and english peas and broccoli and corn and rice are favorites.We make fajitas and spaghetti. We enjoy our food more, we buy more fresh and eat less fast food. 

I feel good. I'm pleased to have made these changes in my life and I'm sorry I didn't do them sooner. I'm sorry I didn't treat my body like I did while and before I was pregnant, after I gave birth. But I'm fixing my mistakes. It's never too late to make a fresh start. 

Thursday, March 28, 2013


it's birthday cake and strawberries

it's birdhouses and easter and sunshine

it's cats curled on pillows
it's little girls running wildly through stores

it's rare moments of contentment

it's taking a break in the middle of a chore

it's painting

it's feet in my lap

it's petting pussies

it's looking at lizards and frogs

it's enjoying the afternoon of sunshine, smiling, resting.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Another Cat: Clarabelle

Since the weekend, we've had a guest visitor. She looks like a fluffy version of Moo so it's pretty funny and confusing. She eats like a ravenous beast. And I keep saying she because her face is just so pretty, she must be a girl. And she isn't aggressive to Moo and Opal, which also leads me to think she must be a girl. 

not the best picture, but you see the resemblance, right?
She still doesn't get too close to us, but she does eat in our presence now. I'm not really looking for another cat, but I will not NOT take care of her if she needs food and a warm bed. She is welcome to share my back porch with Moo and Opal. If she gets comfortable enough, we'll have her spayed and vetted. Because that's the kind of people we are. And if she's already pregnant, we'll find her kittens homes and get her spayed later. 
what a pretty face. what a hungry love.

She seems like a cat that someone had, as she isn't too leery of us humans, and will roll around like she wants to be petted. It makes me so sad that someone put her out. I don't understand how people can decide to have a pet and then discard it. That life is a life just like our own and deserves love and respect. While the last thing I need is another vet bill, the last thing my soul needs is to see a creature need us and us not give it what it needs. 

People, please think before you take in a pet. If you think you may not love it when the cute baby-ness wears off, don't get it to start with. Abandonment should not be an option.

We're calling her Clarabelle. I hope she finds herself happy with us, or finds her way back home. I hope that she just escaped and someone is looking fervently for her, but somehow I doubt that. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you."
Truth and lies. 

Physically, words can never hurt you, this is true indeed. But words can hurt you on a deeper, more permanent level. 

Lately, my heart has been filled with the things that others do that are hurtful, things done out of spite and things done unintentionally even. 

There are so many derogatory names people use without even thinking. "Retard(ed)." Homosexual slurs, racial slurs. "Fat." And the list can go on and on.  

Sometimes, these things are so embedded in our culture we don't think twice about what we're saying. 

But we should. We should think twice, three times. Count to ten and then speak. What you say flippantly may effect someone deeply on an emotional level. 

Other times, we know exactly what we're saying. Exactly. We say it out of meanness and spite and hatred and anger. We intend to cut with those words that fly out of our mouths like darts hell bent on killing someone's spirit. 

As I move through this world attempting to shield my daughter from the hatred, I realize just how little we think of what we say. I think back on things I said, years ago, and my heart hurts. I  wish I could take them all back.

But we can't take what we say back. Once it's in the air, it no longer belongs to us. It belongs to time. And I want to change the fabric of time, of the future, now. 

Words can hurt. Only we can change ourselves, our words. We can use them in love rather than hate, to heal rather than injure. 

This Love has been on my heart a LOT lately.see here and here

Thursday, March 21, 2013


This week my mind and body have been busy, but my heart keeps steadily beating to one word: love. 

I'm not a hundred percent sure why I'm feeling the need to LOVE so deeply right now, but I'm not one to question it. Every feeling of love I have makes my heart brim with happiness.

And love isn't just about loving those close to us: our mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, children and cousins, brothers and sisters. It's about more than our own nuclear families.

It's about accepting everyone for who they are. It's about loving people BECAUSE they are different. Embracing the colors and textures of the people and the lives being lived in proximity to ours. No matter what. Be that black or white, gay or straight, big or little, smart or dumb. It doesn't matter. Love them for who they are. They make up this world. And for every other person you show kindness to, you can hope that the pay out will be that they show kindness to someone else. 

Love breeds love, and hate breeds hate. Choose love. Make it grow. The small actions you take every day can make a big difference. 

I've been listening to this song, on repeat for the past few days. Even though at this point I've heard it at least 100 times, each time I still get chills. 

So move forth in your day with love in your heart. 

Friday, March 15, 2013


Friday morning, on the verge of Spring, brims with promises. A weekend ahead, renewal on the horizon. A new Season coming. Warm air  flowing behind cold air, blossoms everywhere; yellow and white and pink, early yet but promising more. 
//this image isn't me, but it totally could be. chick has on my fav shirt. EVER. //

Friday morning. One last work day. Anything possible, the week finished, full. Today is tying up loose ends, preparing for plans in the days ahead. 

Dinner dates and times with friends. Time with family. Enjoying the little, mundane moments life offers. Finding the joy in each action. Being intentional with each moment. Wasting not one moment. 

A water bottle full of clear liquid, lemons floating, soaking and flavoring. 

Clean[er] eating is not  without challenges; it is also not without rewards. Each day becomes easier as my body feels better. Less fatigue, less bloat, less pain all adds up to more happiness. 

I look forward to this Spring, this new season in the year and in my body. Eager anticipation rises as I meet more goals and make great strides in finding balance within moderation. I look forward to today and all the tomorrows that I hope are to come. 

Happy Friday. Happy [almost] Spring. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

I'm Excited: Game of Thrones

I am so stinking excited this show will be back March 31st. Happy Easter from Westeros, people. 

I plan on being full of birthday cake and treating myself to an Easter beer that night in honor of the show. 

I've been so disappointed since I finished the last book written in the series. I read through them like a starving person consuming a turkey leg. So fast I didn't even bother to find out that the series wasn't finished and that I would have to wait an indefinite amount of time to get to the next book. 

I'm convinced George R.R. Martin will die (it would just be my luck)  before he finishes and I'm so damned upset about it. Please don't let him die! 

I read a couple of his other books, and they are good, too. But not the same. I want this story. I have invested hours of my life reading these books. And if you've seen them, you know what kind of time I have invested. 

Re-reading the third book may be a good idea before the show re-starts. 

One of my favorite parts about reading the books is spoiling the show periodically for my husband. He asks a question and I gladly divulge the answer like the expert that I am. 

Here's the extended trailer for the upcoming season:

I can't wait to see the subtle differences between the show and the books. That's one of my favorite parts of reading books and watching the shows/movies. That's just how my literature-fueled mind works. 

My favorite characters, on the show and in the books. 


 I love the IMP, bitches. He is cold, calculating, and cunning. And somehow, he is kind behind all of that. This season will not disappoint. I expect more kindness and more cruelty than ever. 

Araya Stark:
This little girl's spirit thrills me. She is fearless and tough. Her adventures this season will be amazing as she travels across Westeros. 
Daenerys Targaryen:
She never ceases to amaze me. She's strong and vibrant and slightly insane, just like her ancestors. Her dragons! They will be larger this season and she will make herself a queen, with an army behind her. 
There is so much I'm looking forward to this season. I feel like HBO is the Easter Bunny, bringing me a favorite show for my basket!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Let Your Light Shine

Lover of the Light by Mumford And Sons on Grooveshark

Broken pieces spread before us, every where we look. The world is broken by us and by itself and we're all broken.

White smoke billows out of a chimney, ushering in a new era in a broken old system. A broken religion. New is hopeful. Change can move us forward, but it can also move us backwards. And while we watch with eager eyes this truth is known in our hearts and minds. And it doesn't matter one little bit. This smoke fades into the night sky and disappears and it makes no difference. 

Each person walking through this world has their own story. Their own pain. Their own sadness. Their plight doesn't matter as it fades into the night. 

The darkness swallows it all. The darkness of night, the darkness of the past and the darkness of the future and the darkness of the present, too. 

It's all dark and it's all broken.

Yet, we're still here. And we see the light and the hope and we care about our stories and the stories of those walking down the street holding their sadness in a little bag as though it were something so simple as groceries, hidden from the world yet held close. 

And it does matter.

It's not all dark. Clear cut and well lit, it may not be. But it's not all dark. 

Everyday people pick up their broken pieces and glue them back together and move forward. Today, those people make choices. They can choose to become harder or softer. And we all need to make the choice to be softer. To be more forgiving. To be more understanding. 

These paths we walk down are all different but none of them are well lit. We all start our walks in the dark and we make our own light. 

One dark night in the cold of winter I pushed my own light from my body. I went forward that night in pain and fear, and then she cried and light radiated around me. A broken world was still broken but my path was lit. And I felt hope and love and happiness, and I knew that I would strive to make this world around me the best place I could for that light to keep burning. 

Let it shine. 

We all have our own choices to make and we are in control of the outcomes of our lives. 

We're  in the driver's seat. The controls to the headlights are in our own hands. Push that handle forwards and turn the brights on. Illuminate your world. Bathe the dark in the light. Hold tight to that wheel and don't forget who's in control. Pick up the pieces when things fall apart and glue them  back together. Don't feel sad for the cracks because they show strength instead of weakness. 

When it gets dark, shine your light brighter. Shine for the sake of shining. Be kinder than necessary. Be firm and yield. Love. 

Do it all for love, with love.