Neglect

This space has been neglected for a while. The list of excuses would be long if I felt like writing them all down. But it boils down to one word: life. Oh, and maybe a touch of laziness....and a smidgen of self effacing neglect. But I'm back today because I miss writing, I miss my words and how they look and sound as they spill out of my mind through my fingers, keys pressed in quick taps. I miss the sense of creation that it brings. 

I forget sometimes what a beautiful life this is. Sometimes I only hear the words: your words are not worthy. But they are. They are mine. My story. My narrative. It matters. 

This space has never held a clear purpose for me. I've never known what I wanted it to be. I'm not saying I know what I want to be now but I know I want to feel the words spill out again and be present here, in this internet moment. Having a child sheds a whole light on the world, but it also give you tunnel vision. It becomes so easy to only see the child, to only care about their life, to let it swallow you whole. And that's good. It's fine. Children are worthy of that kind of devotion, that all encompassing light. 

I want to explore my soul again, and feed it sentences and splashes of color. I've been having nightmares again from where my brain refuses to turn off, even in sleep. I think it's because all the words are trapped, swirling and angry, inside my head. They have to come out, and maybe then I can rest safely again.

Just a little warning. There is an abundance of lists and cat things in my head. So, there will be lists and cat things for a minute, in some form or fashion. We'll consider it a warm up.

Peace. {drops mic}

Weird Confession: I HATE//Loathe//Despise Chewing Gum

One of the weirder quirks I have is  my hatred of chewing gum. Seriously, I refuse to chew it at all, ever.  I cannot remember the last time I had a piece. It's been years. 

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Here are the reasons:

It gives me nightmares. Not kidding. IF I chew a piece, I will certainly wake up in a cold sweat, from a dream where I have been digging a piece of the sticky nasty from my mouth. In my recurring (when I chew gum) nightmare, it gets stuck in my teeth. I put my whole hands in my mouth and pull it. And it keeps coming and coming and coming. The shit just will not go away. My mouth aches when I wake up. It's not a pleasant dream by any means, and I am willing to do anything to avoid it. For me, simply not chewing the stuff is the key. So I don't. 

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It's disgusting. Have you ever thought about it? You're basically chewing your own spit over and over, like a cow chewing cud. I'm not a cow. And then, when you're done you have two options: spit it out or swallow it. This reminds me of something else you have two options with, hmmm. At least someone was getting pleasure from that....I digress. So you swallow it and then what? I know it doesn't really sit in your gut for seven years like my mom used to tell me but seriously, that shit ain't made to dissolve. Or you spit it out. It gets stuck, either to your fingers or to the side of the trash can. One of the last gums I chewed was stuck to the side of my car for months. And who hasn't been the victim of stepping in some one else's piece of gum and having to scrap that from the soles of your favorite shoes? Some people like to stick it to their glass in a restaurant and save it for later. Dear god, get another piece! And don't even start me on the gum poppers. Or accidentally touching the underside of a desk or movie seat with the stuff stuck to it.  Or the lines in amusement parks where people think it's a good plan to start a collection of random people's spit. OHMYGOD I'm gagging.  My point is the shit is gross.

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It's a choking hazard. I mean, not for me. Well, I guess it could be....but I don't want my daughter anywhere near the nasty, sticky, nightmare inducing crap. I see it getting stuck in her hair at the very least.  I've heard of kids dying  from choking on the stuff. And while there are a host of other horrors out there to choke on, I just don't see the point in introducing this filthy one to my daughter. 

I understand people chew it to freshen their breath. I understand they chew it to quit smoking. And I understand that most people like the stuff. Have it. You won't catch me with a piece. Ever. I'll have a mint, thankyouverymuch!

Anyone else hate the stuff? 

Finding My Happy Place

Lately, I've been on a mission. I'm looking for happiness, or rather my happy place. The place inside me where I can go, a calm place that I can retreat to and recenter myself when I'm all out of whack. Right now, I'm reading Buddhism for Mothers. It's really a great read, a great way to seek peace INSIDE yourself, and for once, it's a book geared towards taking care of the mother, and not the child. Or rather, not just the child. It's about finding calmness, exploring your motives and letting go, especially of the guilt. Taking care of your own needs, as a mother, allows you to better care for your family. More cheerfully, more wholly.  I've been seeking a way to control my anger and resentment in certain situations, and although this is something that does not happen over night, it is something attainable, reachable, foreseeable. I want to be more present, more in tune with my own needs, my husband's needs, and my child's needs. I don't want to harbor resentment for the menial chores. I don't want to focus on the guilt of rash actions, but learn to forgive and move forward. This book is helping me be a better mother, a better person, already.

Moving forward, being present, being intentional. Not dwelling on the past. Peaceful. Calm. Slow to anger. I don't want my emotions to control me, and I don't want to live forever in guilt for actions that I can no longer control. You cannot go backwards, only forwards. But also, you can live for the moments to come, you must live for the moments that ARE, the present moments. It's about being accountable in this moment and letting going of it when it is past. It's about losing the attachments to the moments, but gaining control over yourself in those moments. I'm learning. I'm growing. And I like this place that I'm in. I feel more aware when I'm with my daughter, more willing to put down the ipad or the phone and look away from the television and to her face. I feel stronger. And I also feel weaker. I know I have a long way to go to reaching a functioning level of this calmness I so seek. 

It's a road I've been on for a while. I have been practicing yoga since before I was pregnant. It's been reflective and informative, but also sporadic. And this book is teaching me that that's okay. It's about seeking and practicing when you can. The world is your medicine, said the Buddha  Yes, indeed. Take it and learn. Grow. 

Each distraction, each annoyance, I'm learning to see it as an opportunity to grow. Instead of succumbing to the annoyance, to the petty emotions, I'm acknowledging it and choosing to not let it control me. I find moments throughout my day to release tension and to reflect. To empty my mind and be present. 

Right now, I'm still searching for ways to get into the moments when I'm the most annoyed because honestly, letting go is NOT easy. It's hard. And I'm far from perfect and I'm very easily annoyed. But I hope that I'm able to quit beating myself up in the moments that I allow it to take over, to move forward, to learn from each experience. That's all any of us can hope for, right?

This is something I've sought for a very long time. I'm not all there yet, and I'm not referring to myself as a Buddhist, but...I'm enjoying this philosophy and this outlook on life and self. 

Learning

Learning to eat healthy again after the baby has proven to be a hard lesson, and not one that I enjoy all the time. Sometimes, I just want a huge piece of bread, covered in butter, and some deep fried anything. 

With that being said, learning to eat healthy again reaps huge rewards, physically and emotionally. I feel more stable, with fewer sugar spikes and drops during the day. I attribute this far less sugar on the daily as well as lemon in my water all day long. Did you know lemons help regulate blood glucose levels? I should have, but I didn't.

I've lost 14 pounds this year, during operation get healthy or die fat. I can wear my wedding rings again, even though I don't wear them daily because I've gotten fond of my plain band and the simplicity of it. It needs cleaning mas bad. 

Dinners and meals in general require more planning and thought. But somehow, I enjoy what I'm eating more that way. Last night, dinner was broccoli and rice and lima beans. We were supposed to have cornbread too but that turned out so smelly no one wanted to eat it, or even eat in the same house with it. Not sure what happened there. 

The point is, I'm full, I'm satisfied, I'm not lethargic. I can chase my child around with energy to spare most days. I get up from my desk more frequently to stretch my legs. I feel friendlier. I feel better about myself. My face was the first place to lose the weight, and my skin is clearer than ever.My belly is flatter and flatter by the day. My legs are showing amazing muscle tone. I still cannot fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but my post pregnancy clothes don't fit anymore either. The pants are baggy and the shirts, well, I'm still wearing most of them but I don't look like a bloated baby beluga anymore.

My days don't revolve around eating. When I'm bored, I don't look for something to shove in my mouth. I respond to actual hunger and even find that I can not be ravenous at those points. I eat yogurt every day. Coffee. I cannot quit coffee. I have a lot of that. Apples and berries. Lemons and limes in my water. Lunch is lighter. Sometimes a salad or a Subway sandwich with spinach and other times soup. Roasted almonds are my favorite snack. Or dark chocolate pomegranates for a special treat. For dinner, we cook. Lima beans and english peas and broccoli and corn and rice are favorites.We make fajitas and spaghetti. We enjoy our food more, we buy more fresh and eat less fast food. 

I feel good. I'm pleased to have made these changes in my life and I'm sorry I didn't do them sooner. I'm sorry I didn't treat my body like I did while and before I was pregnant, after I gave birth. But I'm fixing my mistakes. It's never too late to make a fresh start. 

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you."

Truth and lies. 

Physically, words can never hurt you, this is true indeed. But words can hurt you on a deeper, more permanent level. 

Lately, my heart has been filled with the things that others do that are hurtful, things done out of spite and things done unintentionally even. 

There are so many derogatory names people use without even thinking. "Retard(ed)." Homosexual slurs, racial slurs. "Fat." And the list can go on and on.  

Sometimes, these things are so embedded in our culture we don't think twice about what we're saying. 

But we should. We should think twice, three times. Count to ten and then speak. What you say flippantly may effect someone deeply on an emotional level. 

Other times, we know exactly what we're saying. Exactly. We say it out of meanness and spite and hatred and anger. We intend to cut with those words that fly out of our mouths like darts hell bent on killing someone's spirit. 

As I move through this world attempting to shield my daughter from the hatred, I realize just how little we think of what we say. I think back on things I said, years ago, and my heart hurts. I  wish I could take them all back.

But we can't take what we say back. Once it's in the air, it no longer belongs to us. It belongs to time. And I want to change the fabric of time, of the future, now. 

Words can hurt. Only we can change ourselves, our words. We can use them in love rather than hate, to heal rather than injure. 

This Love has been on my heart a LOT lately.see here and here

Love

This week my mind and body have been busy, but my heart keeps steadily beating to one word: love. 

I'm not a hundred percent sure why I'm feeling the need to LOVE so deeply right now, but I'm not one to question it. Every feeling of love I have makes my heart brim with happiness.

And love isn't just about loving those close to us: our mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, children and cousins, brothers and sisters. It's about more than our own nuclear families.

It's about accepting everyone for who they are. It's about loving people BECAUSE they are different. Embracing the colors and textures of the people and the lives being lived in proximity to ours. No matter what. Be that black or white, gay or straight, big or little, smart or dumb. It doesn't matter. Love them for who they are. They make up this world. And for every other person you show kindness to, you can hope that the pay out will be that they show kindness to someone else. 

Love breeds love, and hate breeds hate. Choose love. Make it grow. The small actions you take every day can make a big difference. 

I've been listening to this song, on repeat for the past few days. Even though at this point I've heard it at least 100 times, each time I still get chills. 

So move forth in your day with love in your heart. 

What Did That (Seemingly) Well Meaning Lady Mean?

The other day, while getting out of my car at Target, I was trying desperately to negotiate with my daughter to not take everything she has ever owned into the store with us. She was crying and holding on to everything so maniacally while I tried to get a grip on her so I could get her on my hip. She was screaming loudly at me. 

And a lady walked up and although I'm sure she meant well, I have been a bit freaked out since. Was I yelling at my child? What should I have done? Should I have let her help me? Or slapped her? Or at least thrown a few heinous words her way? Or just what I did, which was politely thank her and decline?? 

All she did was come up and politely tell me that she understood, she had a little one too, and did I need some help. 

I of course, declined, saying we were fine. 

Which we were, about five minutes later. When I had everything packed into her bag finally, although she didn't want me to put it in the bag at all. I knew she would forget about all the crap as soon as we got inside, so I was annoyed, I know I was. This stage kills me slowly. The I have to have it all right now forever stage. It's hard. 

I don't know. I think she meant well. But was she judging that I couldn't handle my kid? Or was she a baby thief, who I averted by denying her access to my child? I'm not sure. I was super concerned the rest of my trip and was super relieved when my parents arrived. 

And I was so ashamed, I told no one until I finally confessed to my husband last night. And now. 

Hopes and Dreams for 2013

If I were a good blogger, I would have a list of resolutions to share here. Things that I have no intention of actually accomplishing, but that sounds really good on a list of things I wish I could do. I'm neither a good blogger nor am I into making lists of things I never intend to stick to. That isn't to say that I don't have dreams of what this year will bring. I do. I have big dreams and lots of hope. 

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I'm dreaming of lots of dance parties in the middle of my den with my little person.

I'm dreaming of a Wonder Pets themed 2nd Birthday party.

I'm dreaming of less panic, less anxiety, less depression in this new year.

I'm dreaming of more health for me, less sickness, more exercise. 

I'm dreaming of my husband's family business turning a real profit again.

I'm dreaming of the beach.

I'm hopeful that I may find more patience through a devoted approach to yoga.

I'm hopeful that others will find more tolerance.

I'm hoping that people in general will be kinder, less quick to take action to harm others.

I'm dreaming of my house becoming neat and organized and hoping that I can make it happen.

I'm hoping and dreaming that I can make this little blog a successful venture, and that I can find a good direction for it. 

I'm dreaming of dates with my husband and hoping that we can find a little more time for each other this year.

I'm dreaming of tiny miniature gardens in my back yard, and creating more fantasy for my little goddess.

I'm hoping for more creativity to spring from my fingers, more love to pour forth from them and create wonders for little eyes

I'm dreaming of crafts with my little artist, and painting more with her.

I'm dreaming of re-doing our bed room; hanging stuff on the walls and new bedding and new bathroom rugs (can you believe my rugs are ten years old? what's up with that?)

As you can see, I resolve to do nothing. My resolve is poor and well, damn near non-existent. I have lots of hopes and dreams for this year, though. And I think I can make my dreams come true. I have a year to pull them off, after all!

Radio Silence

You know the noise that comes after the zombie Apocalypse, the sound of everyone's radios and televisions cutting off and switching to white noise? Yeah, that. That's what I'm hearing in my head today.

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There's a numbness in my heart, blessedly, to take the place of the anxiety I felt all day yesterday. My mom called and told me my dad was back at the hospital with chest pains. He suffered a mild heart attack in July, while on vacation, 400 miles away. And yesterday, all that fear came down on me again in a rush, a chest tightening, soul crushing fear.  A text from my mom saying that she's scared. That woman is never scared. I prayed fervently last night as I fell asleep, and cried and prayed on my way to work this morning. 

And I guess my prayers were answered.

After some tests today though, he's in the clear. No heart attack, just bad stress and anxiety I guess, which is understandable in his line of work.

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But then little things bring me back to myself.

 Watching a line of other cars pull over to let a funeral procession pass, it's nice to not be the only one. Sometimes, I have been rudely passed by people refusing to stop.

A sweet and simple message from a friend when I got to work this morning.

Christmas cards in my mailbox from sweet friends and family.

Good news after a day and morning filled with fear.

At the end of the day, I have a lot of things for which to be thankful. My father is HERE, however fragile his health may be. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving husband. The best network of friends to keep me sane and grounded. Good family. A refrigerator full of yummy beers.   A hair appointment tomorrow, which will leave me feeling pretty and let me have time to spend with my friends (my friends do my hair, how awesome is that?). I have a beautiful home filled with presents and Christmas cheer. Sometimes things are tough, but this life has never promised it would be a smooth ride, just worth it.

And little things remind me of that worth. And wouldn't you know, I've gone and worked that radio silence right out of my head. 

Weekend Thoughts and a Craft Project

I'm going to start this post with a quote from myself, from my private blog:

 This time next week, we'll be unwrapping presents and playing with massive amounts of new toys. It's so exciting. And yet...I know this Christmas will be shadowed by the tragedy that occurred last Friday in CT. The thing about this is that it will shadow our Christmas this year; but for those families, that Christmas shadow is part of their reality forever and ever. It's not that we won't think of it in years to come, since I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forget watching those families bury their babies, but it won't have the same overwhelming since to it for us in the years to come. 

My hope is that we don't forget these children and families; that this isn't just a media induced fad for us, that we'll take this tragedy and move forward. We'll become better as a nation, we'll face these issues and look for real solutions to them. As a mother, I can't face it any other way. I felt myself, this weekend, trying to embrace more, love more, be more present with my family. I hope that I move those feelings forward into the future, and make myself a better mother and human being.  Only time will tell.

We took the day to shop as a family yesterday. Although the day was far from the best, it was filled with fun memories to take forward with us. There were tantrums all over the mall, refusals to enter certain stores and eating establishments. There was  a pouty faced little girl getting her picture made with Santa.  There were fun memories made and fun had by all, despite the setbacks. 

Weekends around our house are always filled with crafts, and this weekend was no exception. We did two simple crafts, although one is not yet finished or photographed. The finished one used sticky foam and glitter sticky foam to make Christmas trees and a snowman. I love how my little one decorated the little trees, focusing on the bottoms of the trees, just like she does on real trees. And she insisted that she get stars for all three tress, and while I was certain she would stick them somewhere random, she stuck them right on top. Constant surprises from this girl, constant. 

We also did hand prints in salt dough. I plan on making these into Santa faces and giving them to the grandmothers. I just need to pick up white paint. I never see the point of white paint, and therefore never have it, but how else do you paint a beard or white fur trim? Duh. White paints is a must! Hopefully, we'll finish those tonight and I can post pictures of the finished project tomorrow. 

I love these days. I love them so much. And while I didn't need a tragedy to remind me to focus on my family, the tragedy has only made me focus harder, more intently.