Lately//Random Thinks

I haven't been too much into posting lately. I have things to say, but it seems I'm out of words. I've just been taking it all in, focusing on my soul and my toddler and being present. And then, it's mother's day week and that never helps. It always puts me in a funk, partly because my husband's a florist (if you want to understand my sentiments on big "flower" holidays, read here), and then I get a little down because the holiday is supposed to be about mothers, and the only ones we focus on are our mothers. I get left by the wayside. Not that I want a ton of gifts or credit, or because I don't think our moms deserve it. They do. They do SO much for us, all year round. But I don't even get to do anything remotely revolving around me. They get showered with gifts, and time with their families. I get stuck in a car all day, going from one place to the next, with no one caring that only a meager two years ago I pushed a baby from my vagina, too. I don't get input into where we eat, how we celebrate, nothing. Instead, I have to give up my valuable Sunday time with my own little family and end up back at work Monday feeling like I got NO weekend whatsoever. 

I'm not really trying to whine and moan and complain (okay, maybe I am...) but it really sucks to just feel like a day that is supposed to be a whole lot about you ends up being nothing at all about you. On all holidays, I feel like I get left out, pushed aside, or at least my needs and desires, but for some reason, this one stings the most. It hasn't been celebrated properly for me yet, and there doesn't look to be a turnaround in my future. I'm just not interested in celebrating the holiday at all. I can't even go get retail therapy, because the only things I have money to shop for are gifts for the worthy mothers. Yeah, this holiday makes me feel that bad. 

But really, life hasn't been bad, not at all lately. We've had a lot of good times and done multiple fun things. I feel like I'm making real progress with my spiritual journey these days, most of the time, I mean, some stuff still takes my down to my knees but you know that's life, and just a further chance to practice and become better. You can't make progress if you never have a challenge. 

If the rain will hold out over a weekend (it's not looking promising for this weekend, again) I'm going to do some massive work in our garden. This is my favorite kind of physical labor. Pulling weeds and planting things in the Earth, watching it grow and transform gives me immense satisfaction and connection to my world. It's very grounding to spend hours pulling weeds, only to have them pop back up against your will. Watching the will of something outside yourself is a humbling and magical experience. Gardening this year should be extra special, because my little girl is really old enough now to be interested in helping in limited ways. This weekend, despite the rain, we planted seeds in little peat pots. She adored it. Little hands holding seeds, poking them eagerly into the soil, and demanding that they grow. It's such a lesson in patience for her; having to plant them and wait for the reward, after days of diligent watering. 

There's also been a lot of ice cream eating on my part, of late. Like on the daily. And I'm still managing to lose the weight. I'm seven pounds away from weighing what I weighed the day I went to confirm my pregnancy. I'm still about 20 pounds from where I need to get, and I'd like to lose more than that. But I'm talking baby steps, and slowly getting where I need to be. It does make me feel more like myself, a little bit each day. 

I've also started peeling the wallpaper in our bathroom. Bathroom re-do time. I feel a little nuerotic for starting it, but, i know I will love the results. 

So, I'm absent here. I have some posts in my head that should be good, and maybe soon I'll get them out. Sorry for the absence and the rambling words. 

Dieting at Easter

I've spent all of this year dieting, so far. With minor bouts of cake induced happiness from my birthday. And some a whole bag of Valentine's Day chocolate truffles. Now, it's Easter. The last candy-riddled holiday for a little while. You can't get fat from fire works, can you? So...here are the only things going through my mind. I really cannot think of anything further than depriving myself of my my toddler's ass loads of chocolate. 

Imagine:

You've desperately avoided buying Easter candy because you know your child will not eat it.

Your husband, he cannot be swayed from these chocolate, gummy, sugar-coated purchases.

You're dieting. And you're doing well. You will not be swayed to consume these goods. 

Here are the thoughts that swirl around:

I'm hungry.

Ohmahgawd I wanna eat that chocolate.

Just one piece. But that will mean ten and you know it, Heather, you know it.

Don't touch the chocolate.

No, not even a gummy bear. Go eat a vitamin, bitch. There's your gummy.

Have another cup of green tea. 

Oh, that's satisfying. 

Not.

Go ride the bike. Do yoga. Meditate about the not-eating. Don't eat that candy.

Oh, can I lick the candy off my daughter's face? What harm would that do? It's not much....

Have some more tea.

Play the Sims.

I wish I could just have random sex right here on the couch; that would fix my craving. Wait, cannot do that in front of the two year old. Go eat a chocolate egg. No, don't. Just deprive yourself. You can do it. You can't have anything. 

God, I'm hungry. For chocolate. 

Please don't make me unwrap that chocolate for you. Take it to your daddy.... Shit. I know you're two but you're basically dangling crack in front of an addict, little lady.

Internal sigh.

Welcome to my life. This is just Monday after, too. How will I be by Friday? Maybe like a wide eyed chocolate craving zombie. Yeah. I'm gonna lose my mind. 

Learning

Learning to eat healthy again after the baby has proven to be a hard lesson, and not one that I enjoy all the time. Sometimes, I just want a huge piece of bread, covered in butter, and some deep fried anything. 

With that being said, learning to eat healthy again reaps huge rewards, physically and emotionally. I feel more stable, with fewer sugar spikes and drops during the day. I attribute this far less sugar on the daily as well as lemon in my water all day long. Did you know lemons help regulate blood glucose levels? I should have, but I didn't.

I've lost 14 pounds this year, during operation get healthy or die fat. I can wear my wedding rings again, even though I don't wear them daily because I've gotten fond of my plain band and the simplicity of it. It needs cleaning mas bad. 

Dinners and meals in general require more planning and thought. But somehow, I enjoy what I'm eating more that way. Last night, dinner was broccoli and rice and lima beans. We were supposed to have cornbread too but that turned out so smelly no one wanted to eat it, or even eat in the same house with it. Not sure what happened there. 

The point is, I'm full, I'm satisfied, I'm not lethargic. I can chase my child around with energy to spare most days. I get up from my desk more frequently to stretch my legs. I feel friendlier. I feel better about myself. My face was the first place to lose the weight, and my skin is clearer than ever.My belly is flatter and flatter by the day. My legs are showing amazing muscle tone. I still cannot fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but my post pregnancy clothes don't fit anymore either. The pants are baggy and the shirts, well, I'm still wearing most of them but I don't look like a bloated baby beluga anymore.

My days don't revolve around eating. When I'm bored, I don't look for something to shove in my mouth. I respond to actual hunger and even find that I can not be ravenous at those points. I eat yogurt every day. Coffee. I cannot quit coffee. I have a lot of that. Apples and berries. Lemons and limes in my water. Lunch is lighter. Sometimes a salad or a Subway sandwich with spinach and other times soup. Roasted almonds are my favorite snack. Or dark chocolate pomegranates for a special treat. For dinner, we cook. Lima beans and english peas and broccoli and corn and rice are favorites.We make fajitas and spaghetti. We enjoy our food more, we buy more fresh and eat less fast food. 

I feel good. I'm pleased to have made these changes in my life and I'm sorry I didn't do them sooner. I'm sorry I didn't treat my body like I did while and before I was pregnant, after I gave birth. But I'm fixing my mistakes. It's never too late to make a fresh start. 

Promise

Friday morning, on the verge of Spring, brims with promises. A weekend ahead, renewal on the horizon. A new Season coming. Warm air  flowing behind cold air, blossoms everywhere; yellow and white and pink, early yet but promising more. 

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//this image isn't me, but it totally could be. chick has on my fav shirt. EVER. //

Friday morning. One last work day. Anything possible, the week finished, full. Today is tying up loose ends, preparing for plans in the days ahead. 

Dinner dates and times with friends. Time with family. Enjoying the little, mundane moments life offers. Finding the joy in each action. Being intentional with each moment. Wasting not one moment. 

A water bottle full of clear liquid, lemons floating, soaking and flavoring. 

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Clean[er] eating is not  without challenges; it is also not without rewards. Each day becomes easier as my body feels better. Less fatigue, less bloat, less pain all adds up to more happiness. 

I look forward to this Spring, this new season in the year and in my body. Eager anticipation rises as I meet more goals and make great strides in finding balance within moderation. I look forward to today and all the tomorrows that I hope are to come. 

Happy Friday. Happy [almost] Spring. 

Let's Do This Thing

My weight is the same as it was two weeks postpartum two years AFTER I gave birth. We are not going to talk about that is but it's at least 30 pounds more than I want/need to be. What?!? Yeah. Not cool. Currently, negotiations are raging regarding another child and I cannot be at this weight when I get pregnant. No no no no no. Oh, and my husband is currently in better shape (i.e. he can walk up a flight of stairs and not DIE) which is not typical for us. So, it's time to do something about it. I started in January ( didn't make a "resolution" really but it was on My Hopes and Dreams list), keeping up with calories, exercising more and trying to do better. I've lost about ten pounds, which puts me back to where I was before Thanksgiving and Christmas. I may have eaten A LOT of Christmas goodies. Possibly. 

With this in mind, I was reading through my blogroll the other day and came across Mommy in the Midwest's post and realized she was using My Fitness Pal, which is an iphone app. Um, duh? Why wasn't I using this??? Sure, I'd created a pretty excel spreadsheet but dude, that wasn't cutting it. I had to look up calories, enter them, blah blah blah. It was killing me. Andplusalso I suck at math so figuring out how many calories I had left wasn't fun. 

I only starting using this app today but let me tell you what I'm already loving:

• It's on my phone. (read: I have it with me always.)
• It knows the calories already. No looking the shiz up.
• It does the math for me. I know what I have to "spend" and I can see how my exercise help that bank. 
• It tracks my weight in a graph. Which is way better than just a number list!
• And Mommy in the Midwest is my buddy! Nothing holds you accountable like having a partner in crime!

What I hate? That I'm accountable. That I didn't find this sooner. And that's it! This app is freaking awesome!

It's time to get back in shape and quit making excuses! Let's DO THIS THING! 

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 If anyone else is using it look me up: I'm hlsblue (duh!).