Spaces of Light and Dark

Lately, life has been full of contrasting shadows; full of lightness and darkness, happiness and sorrow, love and hate, yearning and fullness. I think it is safe to say that life has been full of life and us living it. 

There are things that scare me right out of my mind.

Things that are uncertain and things that are known; things are are known to be uncertain.

It's a toss up. 

I've been long absent from this space. Hiding, alone with my thoughts and my fears. Holding tight to myself and clinging...to sanity and to hope and to love...clinging to medical advances that will take away this nasty disease with which I have been diagnosed...the reason for my absence and my hermitage.

Last October, a mere four months ago, I was diagnosed with MS. Multiple Sclerosis. The first time I heard the words in conjunction with myself, I laughed in the face of fear. And then, slowly, the fear became a reality. Doctors visits and tests had become my normal. And then answers came. Not answers I wanted, but answers filled with truth. 

This is why I'm tired.

This is why my legs and feet go numb and my legs feel like wood.

This is why my torso and chest get so tight and at times so painful that it hurts to draw breath.  

This is why I have constant UTIs. 

This is why I feel awful all the time.

I've started a therapy called Copaxone. A daily injection: a daily reminder. I am sick. My body is fighting itself. 

image creds

But, let me tell you it isn't all bad. I've learned from this, about myself and about others; about kindness and compassion; about connections; about love. I've learned you never know what that person who is seemingly being an ass is going through. You never know how people struggle. People struggle and often times you cannot look at them and tell. Their parent or sibling may be sick or recently dead, they may be sick, they may be hurting. We're all hurting. But we're all still living too. We're all a part of this big, scary world. And we're all in this together. We are all a part of this planet, this living and breathing organism of our world. 

So be kind. It costs nothing. It is freedom from your own consciousness too. You never have to wish you weren't ugly to someone because you never were. And when you look in the mirror, you'll like what you see. It does something to your face, this kindness. It makes you prettier. It really does. 

We have a choice when confronted with this scary life. We can live it and realize our impact on others and push forward into the unknown. We can embrace our fears and step out into the great unknown with a smile on our faces, love in our hears and a deeper understanding of humanity. Or we can become bitter and hide from reality. I choose life. I choose to live in the face of my fears. 

I have a new motto, a mantra if you will. I say this to myself every morning as I drag myself around and out of bed and into the day.

Get up. Dress up. Show up.

And I'm doing it. And I think that I'm happier than I have ever been.