A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. ~Oscar Wilde

Monday, April 15, 2013

Finding My Happy Place

Lately, I've been on a mission. I'm looking for happiness, or rather my happy place. The place inside me where I can go, a calm place that I can retreat to and recenter myself when I'm all out of whack. Right now, I'm reading Buddhism for Mothers. It's really a great read, a great way to seek peace INSIDE yourself, and for once, it's a book geared towards taking care of the mother, and not the child. Or rather, not just the child. It's about finding calmness, exploring your motives and letting go, especially of the guilt. Taking care of your own needs, as a mother, allows you to better care for your family. More cheerfully, more wholly.  I've been seeking a way to control my anger and resentment in certain situations, and although this is something that does not happen over night, it is something attainable, reachable, foreseeable. I want to be more present, more in tune with my own needs, my husband's needs, and my child's needs. I don't want to harbor resentment for the menial chores. I don't want to focus on the guilt of rash actions, but learn to forgive and move forward. This book is helping me be a better mother, a better person, already.

Moving forward, being present, being intentional. Not dwelling on the past. Peaceful. Calm. Slow to anger. I don't want my emotions to control me, and I don't want to live forever in guilt for actions that I can no longer control. You cannot go backwards, only forwards. But also, you can live for the moments to come, you must live for the moments that ARE, the present moments. It's about being accountable in this moment and letting going of it when it is past. It's about losing the attachments to the moments, but gaining control over yourself in those moments. I'm learning. I'm growing. And I like this place that I'm in. I feel more aware when I'm with my daughter, more willing to put down the ipad or the phone and look away from the television and to her face. I feel stronger. And I also feel weaker. I know I have a long way to go to reaching a functioning level of this calmness I so seek. 

It's a road I've been on for a while. I have been practicing yoga since before I was pregnant. It's been reflective and informative, but also sporadic. And this book is teaching me that that's okay. It's about seeking and practicing when you can. The world is your medicine, said the Buddha  Yes, indeed. Take it and learn. Grow. 

Each distraction, each annoyance, I'm learning to see it as an opportunity to grow. Instead of succumbing to the annoyance, to the petty emotions, I'm acknowledging it and choosing to not let it control me. I find moments throughout my day to release tension and to reflect. To empty my mind and be present. 

Right now, I'm still searching for ways to get into the moments when I'm the most annoyed because honestly, letting go is NOT easy. It's hard. And I'm far from perfect and I'm very easily annoyed. But I hope that I'm able to quit beating myself up in the moments that I allow it to take over, to move forward, to learn from each experience. That's all any of us can hope for, right?

This is something I've sought for a very long time. I'm not all there yet, and I'm not referring to myself as a Buddhist, but...I'm enjoying this philosophy and this outlook on life and self. 


  1. I think we all do this. I do it all the time. Somedays I think I can handle it all and most days I fail. I just try my best to be relevant of that day. Then sleep and start again the next.

    1. Yep, I think you're right. We all just try to be the best we can be every day. :) No sense letting yesterday ruin your today.


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