A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. ~Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Radio Silence

You know the noise that comes after the zombie Apocalypse, the sound of everyone's radios and televisions cutting off and switching to white noise? Yeah, that. That's what I'm hearing in my head today.

There's a numbness in my heart, blessedly, to take the place of the anxiety I felt all day yesterday. My mom called and told me my dad was back at the hospital with chest pains. He suffered a mild heart attack in July, while on vacation, 400 miles away. And yesterday, all that fear came down on me again in a rush, a chest tightening, soul crushing fear.  A text from my mom saying that she's scared. That woman is never scared. I prayed fervently last night as I fell asleep, and cried and prayed on my way to work this morning. 

And I guess my prayers were answered.

After some tests today though, he's in the clear. No heart attack, just bad stress and anxiety I guess, which is understandable in his line of work.

But then little things bring me back to myself.

 Watching a line of other cars pull over to let a funeral procession pass, it's nice to not be the only one. Sometimes, I have been rudely passed by people refusing to stop.

A sweet and simple message from a friend when I got to work this morning.

Christmas cards in my mailbox from sweet friends and family.

Good news after a day and morning filled with fear.

At the end of the day, I have a lot of things for which to be thankful. My father is HERE, however fragile his health may be. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving husband. The best network of friends to keep me sane and grounded. Good family. A refrigerator full of yummy beers.   A hair appointment tomorrow, which will leave me feeling pretty and let me have time to spend with my friends (my friends do my hair, how awesome is that?). I have a beautiful home filled with presents and Christmas cheer. Sometimes things are tough, but this life has never promised it would be a smooth ride, just worth it.

And little things remind me of that worth. And wouldn't you know, I've gone and worked that radio silence right out of my head. 

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